Aside

Write about your strongest memory of heart-pounding belly-twisting nervousness: what caused the adrenaline? Was it justified? How did you respond?

You ever had the feeling of wanting someone dead before?! So bad that it made you upset that you couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was done so wrong by this particular person to the point that I had nightmares about killing them and slaughtering their body. I have came to the point¬†of realization¬†that it was only hurt and not hate that I thought I felt. I have never in my life had anyone to make me feel like pure shit before. It was in fact heart pounding and belly twisting due to nervousness of my adrenaline rushing through my fucking skull because I wanted no more than to kill his life. Although this wasn’t a boyfriend or a lover but it was someone close that hurt me deeply. So deep that I would walk past watching him get murdered before I’d help. I know that’s pretty fucked up but I’ve came to the point in my life that I cannot deal with angry emotions. They take a toll on me. Was it justified?! Yes and No. I felt like I had every ounce to feel this way but it still felt so wrong to be so hateful. I kept my distance only because I didn’t know for sure if this feeling was pure hate or just hurt. I was confused and scared that If I reacted impulsively that it would not lead to anywhere good.

The change in the pit

Think of the word change for a minute. What does it mean to you?. Lately I have been trying to convince myself that change is better because I will become the person who I need to be in order for things to go right in my life. There has been so much going on in my life all at once that I have gotten confused about the difference between change and life. I have created this image on who I thought could “Handle life”. That comes the moment when we accept anything because ANYTHING sounds and looks good to us. If we were only in “Our right mind”, we wouldn’t be choosing the same things that we are choosing at that moment. We get so wrapped up in “What is ONLY okay” due to our wanting of change. That is where “Content-ness” should play a part of all of this. If only things would just be alright. If things would only go our way when we want it to. If only we met the perfect people. If only we knew the answers on why life happened the way it did, – Would things be better or worst. -Would we learn something or would everything be just too damn perfect for our empty souls. What the fuck does change mean anyway and why the fuck is the word “Content” not used often?!